Text War
by Meohy
Summary: MxMxN CRACKFIC. Classes at Wammy's House are boring as usual, so geniuses Mello, Matt and Near text each other after finishing an exam early. Who could've imagined how insane things got from there? Full summary inside.


**Summary: Classes at Wammy's House are boring as usual, so geniuses Mello, Matt and Near text each other after finishing an exam early. Only, Mello and Near won't directly talk to each other, and poor Matt is stuck being the messenger. Unfortunately, things got lost, misunderstood, and distorted in translation, and one innocent, lackluster conversation turns into a jumbled mess of hilarious accusations!**

Student life for the top three kids of Wammy's House was mind-numbingly dull (typical for the geniuses) as Mello, Matt, and Near finished their Astro Physics final exam an hour before the required time of completion.

Each boy sat at different points in the lofty classroom, having been separated for the test. Near, by the vast windows overlooking the botanical courtyards, quietly worked on a crossword about Biomechanics in German. Mello, who was sitting in the front by the teacher's desk, halfheartedly translated The Odyssey into Afrikaans, secretly wanting to stir up trouble. Meanwhile, sitting in the back of the classroom, Matt played _Mahjong for DS_ with his eyes closed. The three of them were bored out of their minds.

The windows were open to air out the room (which offered a cool breeze now and again) and a soft ray of sunlight blanketed Near in a warm glow. Distracted by this sight (because he was totally loving it), Mello pulled out his cell phone and texted Matt, knowing how to rouse trouble finally. **Matt, doesn't Near look heavenly in the light? Screw what they told us about not believing in angels.**

After the message was sent, Mello dialed Matt's phone number.

The only sound that filtered through the room was the scratching of dutiful pens and pencils, the occasional sigh or scoot of chair, and…Matt's cell phone ringing and vibrating with a new text message.

"Oh dear Lord!" Matt nearly fell out of his chair when his phone spazzed to life, vibrating and blaring the "Super Mario Theme Song" in his pocket. Blushing profusely, he quickly snatched it up and noticed the message from Mello. But before reading it, he glanced nervously around the room; all eyes were on him (except Near's, who was unfazed and uninterested with this interruption – NERD).

The Astro Physics teacher glowered in the direction of the blaring phone. Matt shrunk in his seat like an abused puppy shying from a beating. "Sorry…uh, please continue?" He looked innocently from the screen of his cell phone to the teacher.

She met his emerald gaze with a bland expression and toneless voice. "Turn off the volume and see me after class."

Matt glared at Mello, who was trying not to laugh his ass off. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Llewellyn. It won't happen again," he said, clicking buttons on his phone before slipping it back into his jeans pocket.

Despite a few snickers, everyone returned to their test. Focusing on his _Mahjong_ game, Matt bowed his head ruefully and thought,_ Damn leather-clad chocoholic, you are SO dead! _

In the front of the room, Mello buried his face in this thick Odyssey book and snorted at his best friend's humiliation. _Damn, I'm good!_, he thought.

Shifting the Chinese titles via stylus, Matt continued musing to himself, _Well, I couldn't kill you anyway…curse my infatuation with you, Mello! _

Mello waited a few more minutes, before sneaking out his phone and texting Matt again. **Do you think Near is mad? He glared flaming daggers at me when your phone went off. **

Matt glanced down at his cell phone screen lighting up through his pants. Predicting it to be Mello again, the gamer rolled his eyes and kept playing his DS.

When no instant response came, Mello sent Matt another message. **Don't ignore me. I'm not going to stop. You know you love that vibrating sensation when your phone receives my text. It's turning you on. **

Matt ignored Mello's text.

Mello sighed and sent, **Your stripes look especially sexy today. **

Matt paid no attention to his phone, considering turning it off, and continued his game play.

**The teacher is molesting you with her eyes**, Mello sent.

Annoyed with the consistent light show in his pants, Matt angrily seized his phone and, hiding it under his desk, scrolled over all the messages. He blushed at the third and fourth, but quickly thumbed a text back to Mello. Matt sent, **omg stfu! shes gonna kill u if u dont stop**

Mello chuckled (which won a glare from the Astro Physics teacher) at Matt's lack of grammar and caved willingness to respond, but he easily covered up his laugh with a cough from the dustiness of his Odyssey book. In his notebook he scribbled some more lines translated into Afrikaans and then texted Matt again. **You sound like an idiot when you text-speak. But anyway, you should call Near. **

Matt let out an exasperated sigh, and responded,** ….y?**

**I think he's seriously pissed at me and I want you to find out why**, Mello sent.

**Helllllllooooooo, hes the emotionless albino. wat could u have done? **

**Well, last night when we were playing strip poker (the night before's game being naked leap frog) in the playroom, and I was winning, I teased him about…wait, need more room to explain. **

**omfg spare my virgin eyes!**, Matt sent feverously. 

**Well, what do you expect of boyfriends? **

**no details plz**

**Okay, whatever. Just call him, or text. **

Matt glanced at Near, who, curled up with a thumb to his lip, had moved on to studying Arabic politics…in Arabic. **does he even have a cell? **

**Yeah, here's his number**, Mello punched in the digits to Near's cell phone number (which is obviously 1-800-GOT-WOOL). 

**k ill try**, Matt replied. Then, switching from Mello's number to Near's, he sent, **near, mello thinks ur mad him **

Near's head jerked from his textbook to his hip. He calmly noticed his phone was lighting up at a new message, and awkwardly reached inside his pajama pants to pull it out. Wisely, he opened it under his desk (Matt almost feared he'd put it to his ear and loudly answer, "Hello?") and read the message. Being the ever-genius-bilingual-wiz-kid that the sheepy albino was, Near quickly decoded Matt's text-speak and responded with, **What reasoning concurs this information? **

Matt blushed and awkwardly sent, **strip poker game? **

Upon seeing the interaction between Matt and Near, Mello excitedly texted Matt, **What did Near say? **

Matt switched the number to Mello's, but the midst of typing him a message, Near's new message flashed across his cell phone screen. Matt quickly answered Mello a, **w8**, and read Near's text.

**I am in no way emotionally affected by the events of last night. Though I wonder why Mello couldn't talk to me directly about this.**

So came Mello's impatient response, **Tell me, you orange-goggled bitch! **

**calm down, tell u in a sec**, Matt sent.

Near was confused. **I am calm. Tell me what? What was Mello's reply? **

The gamer face-palmed. **hold on near **

Near nodded, and briefly returned to his analysis of the efficiency of Israel's parliamentary democracy. He compared it to the success of other parliamentary democracies in history, then reflected upon other government choices that would suit the beliefs of the population of Israel.

Mello was fuming. **Matt, if you try to steal my albino angel, I'll blow you're freaking brains out so fast you won't have time to jizz in your pants! **

**omg wtf near doesnt feel anything about last night**

**Matt? Are you going to respond to me soon? **Near texted Matt.

Matt switched to Near's number. **srry he hasnt said anything yet **

**Wait, what? He didn't enjoy himself? That no good son of a ram! **

Switching to Mello's number, Matt typed: **no i dont tink he meant it dat way **

Near sent, **Well, Matt? **

Matt sighed and tentatively texted Near: **hes freakin out**

**I can see that**, Near replied, charcoal gaze lingering cautiously on Mello from across the room,** What did you tell him? **

**That stupid sheepy brat can't enjoy anything! I'm damn precious, a motherfucking princess! **Mello sent Matt furiously.

**lets not quote avril lavigne **

Near sent, **But I wasn't…who's Avril Lavigne? **

Matt groaned irritably, and responded to Near quickly, **no not u srry near hold on **

**Why's your conversation taking so long, Matt?**, Mello texted Matt, **You better not be flirting with him! **

**im not! mello, calm down….ur teh best damn thing! **

**wtf? im not mello! matt? **

Matt froze. **yea…who is this? **

From somewhere in the room, a girly squeal was heard. **omg! i knew eet! u & mello r going out!**

**I'm still waiting, Matt. What did you tell Mello that riled an emotional display of anger?**, Near asked.

**Matt, how would you like bruises all over your sexy little body? **Mello sent. 

Matt was seriously befuddled – this conversation was getting waaaay out of hand. Mello and Near would have to wait, who was this third person? And if Mrs. Llewellyn had found out about this text war Matt would crap himself…

Matt sent the anonymous texter this message: **shh mrs. l is gonna hear u! **

**u didnt deny eet XD**

**omg im not dating mello!**

**awwww….:(**

**im tryin to save his thing w/near! **

**aww, MxM iz mah OTP ;)**

…**..k, srly who is this? **

**haha, its linda XD**

**MATT, I WILL SOAK YOU IN TAR AND WATCH YOUR SKIN MELT OFF, DAMN IT! TAXATION-WITH-REPRESENTATION-STYLE, ASSHOLE! YOU EVIL BITCH, I SWEAR IF YOU DON'T ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW I'LL HAVE YOUR ASS ON A PLATE…AND EAT IT! **

Matt's goggled-eyes widened in shock as he started at Mello's most recent text-message. Half of it was delirious, and that other half was friggen hilarious! But how Mello was infuriated with _him_ and not _Near_, Matt wasn't sure. Rolling his eyes, he responded: **omfg chill mels i need 2 sort this all out **

At the pet name, Mello immediately calmed. **I love it when you call me that, Matty. **

**What are telling Mello, Matt? I don't want to have to deal with this…**

**so r teh feelings mutual?**, Linda asked.

Matt was close to bashing his face into a wall. _Girls! _ He quickly typed, **ill talk 2 u l8r linda **

So came her reply, **still no denial ;) **

**I believe I deserve an explanation now, Matt**, Near sent.

Matt dismissed her tactless suggestion and focused on communicating to Near. **k thx 4 w8ing**

**Sure. **

**he thinks u dont enjoy his company enough**

…**Tell him it's quite the opposite. **

**k w8 **

**Of course. **

But this time, Matt's fingers were sore, but he kept up his typing for fear Mello would have another melt down. **mels, near 3s spending time wit u**

**I don't believe it!**, Mello replied.

**y not?**

**Um wie viel Uhr ist es? **

**quarter after 10….whos speakin german? **

**Sag das auf Deutsch! **

**viertel nach zehn, plz dont kill me! **

**It's Near. Sorry, Matt. I was wondering how much time we have left in this class for more of this text-messaging.**

**y not check ur phone? **

**I'm bored. And I wanted to test your knowledge of the German language. **

**i h8 u **

**You hate me! Why, Matty? What did I do wrong? **

**no mels! not u! ily! **

"I SEE A CELL PHONE!" Mrs. Llewellyn suddenly bellowed_. Crap, busted!_, Matt thought shamefully.

Mello, Matt, and Near winched.

_Fuck_, Mello cursed.

_It took the old hag long enough to notice. I can definitely conclude from this that her level of observation is poor!_, Near mentally babbled. 

Mrs. Llewellyn had risen from her desk, and was jabbing an accusing finger in Mello's direction. Then, peering around the room angrily, she caught sight of Near's and Matt's phones. "Huh! To think, our three brightest!"

All the other kids in the room laughed. "Oooooo!" They sneered.

Matt meekly offered his phone to Mrs. Llewellyn, Near dutifully handed his over, but Mello resisted cell phone arrest.

"Well then! Since this isn't space, gravity affects everything! So if I throw this iron paper weight at your head as a projectile, then I can hit you at an angle of 67 degrees, and since you're 3.275 meters away from my current position, it would take a velocity (not factoring in Wind Resistance Force) of—" the Physics teacher droned, taking a moment to breathe, before starting up again.

At Mrs. Llewellyn's outburst on projectiles, all the other kids in the classroom hid their faces in their exam packets, Matt cowered under his desk, Near tried to figure out the problem on some scratch paper (NERD!), and Mello grumbled and forked his cell phone over.

"I'll be seeing the three of you in detention!" The Physics teacher concluded her lecture, grinning evilly.

Soon enough, the bell rang and everyone filed out but the three boys guilty of texting during class. Their time was served, and Mrs. Llewellyn calmed back to her dry, weary, normal self, so they left thirty minutes later.

When Mello, Matt, and Near were dismissed, they scurried to a common room.

The moment the door shut behind him, Mello casually said, "So, she's a bitch, huh?"

"I suppose…." Matt answered, flopping onto a couch. His hands (in fingerless gloves) and eyes couldn't take any more strain from the texting; plus, he had a monstrous headache.

Mello took seat on the couch parallel to Matt's, while Near occupied the floor. "Sucks that we can't have our phones for a week now," Mello mused, frowning and placing his head dejectedly in his hands.

"I hardly use mine." Near commented, twirling a piece of frayed carpet absently.

Matt pulled a pillow over his face and mumbled, "That whole conversation got really crazy. But now that we're done with classes for the day, can you two sort out your discrepancies in a direct dialogue to each other?"

Mello and Near locked eyes, and Matt removed the pillow from one eye to watch them stare at one another, like invisible words were being passed between the two. After a few moments, Mello grinned pleasantly and shooed Matt from the room. "Give us a while, okay?"

Noticing the forced smile uncharacteristic of Mello, Matt hurriedly stood and left. "Yeah, sure."

Within thirty seconds of closing the door behind him, Matt was assaulted by Linda. "Wahh! Where'd you come from!" He exclaimed, lowering his guard. She dragged Matt away from the door and yanked him down the hallway, blabbering about how cute a couple he and Mello would make all the way.

When they were far enough from Mello and Near, Linda's death grip on Matt's arm didn't ease up as she shook it and cried, "Ohmigosh! Tell me everything, Matt! You and Mello are totally getting together now, aren't you?"

"Linda…have you been stalking me?" Matt asked, worriedly looking from his arm, to Linda's ecstatic expression.

"Everyday from 9 to 4!" She squealed, "And from what I'm able to snoop on, he FOR SURE likes you back! I don't know why Mello's messing around with Near, but, gosh, maybe it's a ploy to make you jealous!"

Glad they were in an empty hallway, Matt muttered, "Yeah…that's really scary."

Unfazed but Matt's skepticism, Linda continued to gush, "But now I think Mello's ready to dump ole Nearikins for you, baby! Ohmigosh, wouldn't that just be the cherry on top of this all?

"Yep. Mmm, cherries."

"That would absolutely make me life! And to think! This all happed from texting! Oh, Matt, you have to ask him out and he has to say yes! Do it! Pleeese? But once he's done breaking up with Near, okay?"

"If I say 'I'll think about it' will you leave me alone?"

Linda squealed and nodded spastically. "Yes, yes, yes!"

"Good. Now go…skip off into the distance and imagine me and Mello holding hands or something."

As Matt watched her figure fade, he thought, _Man, girls are scary. _

Shaking his head, Matt drew his DS from his pocket and resumed _Mahjong_ on the way to his room. Keeping eyes glued to the screen, he maneuvered over the piles of Mello's dirty clothes and his bags of miscellaneous junk food that cluttered the floor, and made it skillfully to his bed.

But, soon enough, Matt was interrupted from his game play when he heard Mello's clambering footsteps approaching. With his gaze fixed on the open door in which his roommate would enter, he set his DS down on his nightstand. Mello then stormed into their room, tears in his eyes, and flung himself in to Matt's arms.

"Mello? What—"

Near was close to follow. He stood awkwardly in the doorway, beholding the sight of Matt's arms wrapped around Mello's sobbing figure.

"Mello. I hadn't finished talking," Near said, voice toneless.

But Mello cried into Matt's shirt, "No, go away! You don't appreciate me like he does – we're over!"

Matt looked, bewildered, from Near in the doorway, to Mello in his embrace. "Ah…what's going on?"

Mello raised his face from Matt's chest to look him in the eyes. "I figured it out, Matty. Near doesn't love me like you do, so I want to be with you, because I love you, too."

Matt's gaze flicked from each boy to the other. Near's blank expression didn't change, so Matt's eyes switched to the boy in his arms. When his gaze lingered on Mello, he smiled with insane happiness. _Well, hell. Linda was right. _

Near swallowed. His boyfriend, his one and only love, had just been taken from him because of the misunderstanding of a text-messaging conversation. His eyes narrowed at Matt. How's that saying go about shooting the messenger…?

**A/N- Obviously Linda is me in disguise…XD**


End file.
